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Auntie Pan Pan's Guide to Ettiquette


By reading these, you DO understand, that they are to be taken as a joke, right?
Of course you do.

Rule #1. Do NOT spit over the railing over the dance floor. Be creative! Water balloons work just as nicely as well as super soakers or water pistols. If you do use silly string however, deduct ten coolness points for lack of originality.

Rule#2. If you show up to a club with a violin case, you will notice that the oceans of people on the dance floor will part for you, like Moses and the Red Sea. This also is a good thing if you are claustrophobic.

Rule #3. Capes and Trenchcoats are traditionally designed for nightclubs to cover the kinky bondage/gothic/vampire club clothes to get you from point A: Your car in the parking lot. To B: Into the club past the coat check room. These articles of clothing also make for great blankets for the parties afterward for the park, a local graveyard, a get the idea.


Rule #4. If you see a drunkard attempting to try to woo a scantilly clad cage dancer who happens to be your roommate, yes, it IS acceptable to use an ashtray as a weapon to bonk him on the head not unlike that of Xena Warrior Princess.


Rule #5. T R Y ( I know it is hard for some, but TRY ) to not mock the newbies at your old club stomping grounds. Remember, you were once a newbie too. Also keep in mind that if it weren’t for these people shelling out the ten bucks to get into this club, YOU wouldn’t have a club to go to...Think about it. It’s called a symbiotic relationship. You let them pay to get in---Your friend who owns the club lets you in cheap or free. Not to mention that their club stays open another week.

D U H.


Rule #6. Five dollars for a small glass of Pepsi is not a good bargin at ANY club. Chances are if it’s over $1.50 , someone is pocketing the difference....And it ain’t YOU. Water is our friend.



Rule #7. IMPORTANT!!!

Take an address book and a pen (THAT WORKS) everywhere you go. I cannot emphasize this enough. Trust me on this one. You WILL lose that phone number you scribbled on a cocktail napkin written with your best friends eyeliner pencil. Unless you happen to be able to read Swahili in Revlon plum grey go for it. Sometimes you might lose that movie job that you wanted or that new hair dressers phone number. Be prepared.



Rule # 8. If there is a balcony overlooking the dance floor...The possibilities are endless.



Rule # 9. In the club world just remember the words of Elizabeth Taylor: “ Good publicity, bad publicity--Who cares??? Just get my name right.” Moral: learn to schmooze correctly.


Rule # 10. As far as schmoozing goes...Flattery will get you everywhere in life, HOWEVER, no one likes a kiss ass because most people can see through a facade of bullshit. No one likes a “Fake” person either...But yet, we tolerate them and play nice when they are schmoozing at a club (see rule number five).


Rule # 11. It is always good to know high friends in low places...Er, I mean low friends in high places...sneaky friends in Rauchy spaces? Oh whatEVER! You get the point! Don’t burn bridges that you could use later.


Rule # 12. If there are 5 guys wearing the same wedding dress and a cat fight breaks out between them all on the dance floor or at the bar, bet your money on the one with the highest heels. If a MAN has the strength to start a fight in nine inch stillettos...He can probably handle his own in a scrape or two.


Rule # 13. Speaking of Transvestites...

Let me clear up something real quick before I continue...In the club scene, just because a man might like to wear bondage or womans clothing....THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE IS GAY. If a girl likes to come to a club dressed comfortable wears combat boots and looks like she can strip a car in fifteen seconds ...THIS DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS A LESBIAN!!! If they bring their significant other of the same sex and start making out at a booth...Then assume. Unless they are bi...


It has always been my experience that tough woman know how to fix my car when it's all fucked up...and  that feminine men or Transvestites are the best lovers...Try it.


Rule #14. Know your shoe height limit. If you are wearing two feet tall moon shoes...Someone drunk will be tempted to push you over while yelling “Timber”!!! This experience is coming from the not-so-sober lumberjack who did this same thing whilst dancing in Hollywood New Years Eve not so long ago. If you look like a turtle on its back and cannot get up without the use of magnetic force from a crane, you have exceeded your limit.


Rule # 15. About High Heels. If they hurt, don’t wear them. Simple.

Unless you are into pain, then enjoy it!!!



I had the distinct pleasure of rescuing a particular friend of mine who was dangling off a wall in a corset and hobble skirt at four o clock in the morning in New Orleans...I have had to rescue many people in the land of the dead due to damaged ankles ( I will not name names, however, I will say that Errol Flynn at Hollywoodland Forever Cemetary is still lurking about the place just looking for a strapping young man to trip next to his or Douglas Fairbanks grave sites in the wee hours of the A.M.)

I am considering inventing a new kind of concrete based grass seed.



Rule # 17. The ladies restroom is the ultimate hangout section of the ENTIRE club.

Corporate decisions, networking, family reunions, intimate bonding moments, and complete lifestyle changes occur here. It really isn’t that unusual, women have been doing it since the dawn of time! The only thing that hardly ever gets done in a woman’s restroom in a club is actually take a pee.


Rule # 18. If you are having sex in the handicapped bathroom stall...PLEASE use protection (and no, I do not mean a toilet seat cover,either!) one way or another. Also it is best to flush said protection when you are done, so you do not gross out the next person afterwards. It’s just common courtesy. Also if someone handicapped needs to use the bathroom...YOU have to leave. It’s the law, sorry....Besides thats what hotels,cars and shrubs are for! SEX!



Yes, I know you probably think that thin waifish doe eyed girl with the nose ring looks sooooooo defenseless and you have had one too many Long Island Iced Teas. I know you want to go over and kiss her. Let me give you one eeesy weeesy smidgen of advice: Little waifish goth boys are wimps (usually). Little waifish goth girls on the other hand will have no problem kicking your ass. I don’t care if she looks like Betty Page or NOT. I have seen 200LB men crying in corners because he got the shit kicked out of him by a 98LB stick girl. THINK ABOUT IT!!! Look at her clothes! Her tatoos? Piercings?!? Don’t you think that she MIGHT have a high threshold for PAIN??? D U H!!!!! Anyone that would try to force themselves on someone DESERVES to get the hell beat out of him....I don’t care if they are drunk or not.


Rule # 20. To club or not to club? That is the question.

Drama. Politics. Gossip and ANGST are the key elements to a club scene. You cannot avoid it. It’s there lingering in the air like the incense and clove cigarette smoke. You can try, but don’t hold your breath. The only thing that I can suggest is not to take the drama home with you.

Think about your happy normal life. Don’t give freaks your home or office number (Cell Phones and voice mail are our friends) Don’t give the undead your home address (Post office boxes are a good detour as well as emails). If you REALLY wish to avoid drama, do not socialize about the particular situation during the week.


1999(C) Written by AuntiePanPan

2006 copywrong auntie panpan all rights reversed

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT your shrink. I am NOT a doctor. If you are under 18...don't come here. After you are eligible to vote & drink....THEN COME TO MY SITE.
Otherwise, please go visit other places in the cyberuniverse, besides mine.
Sorry sweeties, nuthin personal. I just don't like drama.
oh, more thing: